The Good:
I got a flute! Well. Correction. I borrowed a flute from Angela. Thank you Angela! I'm so excited!!! =D
The Bad:
I'm going to a different school and...well I won't go into details. Otherwise I will cry.
The excitement:
Well...tomorrow is Friday! Christmas is coming! and lots of other fun stuff =D =D
The sadness:
I almost fell back into a trap today which I had planned on not falling back into until I get older. It's so hard to ignore something that you just want to wrap in your arms and never ever let go of...sigh.
I have come to a realization that had not really clicked in my mind until recently:
I'm not afraid to go to a public school. Shocking, I know. I thought for sure I was. I thought for sure that it would be the worst thing in the world. But that's not what I'm afraid of. Frankly, I don't really care that it'll be a bit scary; that it'll be the first time I go to a school that has over 2000 kids in the high school alone; that it'll be the first time ever that I go to a public school; that- depending on which school I go to- I won't know anyone and will have to start completely fresh. I'm not scared of that. Why? I don't really know exactly why. I think it's because I know that God has a plan for me bigger than what I have for myself, that despite everything seeming bleak and dreary, everything WILL be okay. I just have to keep telling myself that.
Want to know what I'm really scared of? Leaving my friends.
I don't want to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. They are the worst possible thing in the world. If goodbye was a physical person I would strangle them and tell them to leave me and my world alone! Violent, I know. But it's the truth.
I don't want to leave my friends. I don't want to have to go somewhere where they are not there. That scares me. That brings doubts and fears in my heart. What if they forget about me? What if they find somebody else...I know it's selfish-I've come to that realizaton too, the realization that I am a very selfish person. But still. I just. Don't. Want. To say. Goodbye.
Because saying goodbye means going away.
I know that it won't be permanent, and that I'll see them again at like youth and stuff. But...still. It makes me so sad. I feel tears forming in my eyes just thinking about it.
I have issues with saying goodbye. I never got to say goodbye to my mom. That haunts me. I always have to say a final fairwell to someone before we depart, even if it's just for a day. It's like if I don't and they die...it's too depressing to think about.
I think that's one of the reasons why I love hugs so much. One of many reasons. Cuz when they're in my arms, it's like I'm a part of them for just a few moments. My troubles become their's and their's become mine. If I had the ability to hug every single one of my friends and famiy all at the same time...I would never let go. I hate letting go. Letting go is awful. It's like a beautiful song that you hear in your head...haunting. Resonating. It's there and then it's gone. And then the memory slowly begins to fade, to fade away and never return.
I'm speaking in a different tone now. Allow me to explain. Sometimes I get glimpses of things that remind me of my mother. A smell, a song, a touch, a voice...so many things. At times it is very overwhelming. There's this one dial soap that my mom used to use, and whenever I smell it I smell her. I love that soap. I only find it on occasion in people's homes, but when it comes into my possession I put as much on as I can and continuously sniff my hands. I love that soap.
Then at times it's a memory. I have an amazing memory, in all humbleness. I can remember things that happened when I was very young...one or two at the earliest usually. All of them have to do with my mom. And not all of them are good memories. A lot of them are painful memories, but they are there regardless. Sometimes it's just a glimpse of a memory that I have, and then it fades away. Do you ever feel like your grasping for something that is not quite in your reach? Like your reaching and reaching and reaching...but it's just out of your touch? That's how I feel with my memories sometimes. Flashbacks pop in my head, but as soon as they come they disappear. I reach but they are always just out of my grasp. It's sad when that happens.
...
I really need to think happy thoughts again. Let's see...
Tonight Rachel and Jesse go to banquet together!!! Aiiiieeeee!!! That's so excting. I can't honestly say I was AS excited as Rachel was at school, but I was close. I wish I could have gone (did I tell you a guy asked me? I'll go into that shortly). But I didn't :( ...all well...
Anyways. That guy. There's this guy named, well, we'll call him...uhm. Jacob. Yeah. Jacob (that's not his real name). Anyways. Rachel was helping me practice for the performance on Sunday night for the Gaiyla (sp?) at FAA. We were in the choir room and we're about to leave when all of a sudden Jacob strolls in and says "Hey Rebecca, I know it's a bit late but would you go to banquet with me?" And of course when I look at Rachel she's all nodding her head. But I said no. Why? Because I don't know him and my dad would say no (believe me, I even asked my dad later out of guilt). But I felt sooo terribly bad. The look on Jacob's face. gah. heartbreaking. And then he didn't come to school the next few days and I was wondering if it was my fault. Gah. But I don't know him at all...we've probably only talked about 3 times. I don't want to be the kind of girl who goes with just anyone because they ask me to. I want to go with someone I truly respect as my friend and would enjoy going with. Unfortuantely if I had gone with Jacob it would've been pretty awkward...even with Jesse and Rachel there. So I was glad I said no.
But then rumors came into place. People who I didn't even think would even know about it told me they knew. That really annoys me. I know people gosip....but still.
....
Anyways. I think i've said way more much than need be. But it really helped to get all this out. So if you read all this...I truly am sorry for blabbing.
Love,
Becca =) <3
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