I hate goodbyes. ='( I think this word is the saddest word in the dictionary, even sadder than "death". Why? Because "death" could have multiple meanings for multiple things: ie. the death of a loved one, the death of my cat, the death of my diet, etc. But when you say goodbye that is final. When somebody dies and you have to say goodbye to them, you are officially saying just that: goodbye. No more happiness, no more fun stuff. Initially you are indicating that you will never see this person again, that you will never be able to enjoy any more moments. I hate death. I hate goodbyes.
Why am I so negative? Because thursday was my last day at FAA and yesterday was my last day at CCS. At FAA they gave me a balloon, a card, and a fairwell gift: a journal with some pens. It definitely pulled some heart strings, to know that people care about me in such a manner as to they would bid farewell to somebody who was merely a ghost at the school. It was touching. I cried on Rachel's shoulder. Thank you, Rachel, for giving me a hug and allowing me to cry on you. That, in all, was very, very touching to me as well. When somebody sees your tears and doesn't say a word, just allows you to cry and be you as they wrap their arms around you in a loving embrace...I believe that this, if we could see it, is the image of God as we pour out our tears and cry out to Him.
Saying goodbye to CCS was even harder. Mrs. Cartwright was such a wonderful English teacher. And Mrs. Collins tried very hard to make everything work and she was a wonderful teacher as well. I feel bad for leaving in the sense that I feel almost as if I have betrayed those who worked hard to try to make that place something great. They succceeded indeed. However, I have to move on. Knowing that I'm not coming back was one of the hardest concepts. The beginning of this year was absolutely amazing at school. Why? It just was. I feel that I drew so much closer to those around me, and that I actually got to experience a family in school. I don't have many relatives in California; the ones I do have live in Berkely (those on my dads side) and the ones on my mom side live in Sanger, but I havn't seen them for years. Family means a whole lot to me-seeing everybody with their own kin always puts a longing in my heart for mine. I'm not complaining about the lifestyle that I have, just living with my dad, but I do wish that I did have family close by. But miles separate us.
I have to move on, move on and become...somebody. I do feel that by going to a public school I will be able to truley find out who I am because I will actually have to try to make friends and try to be friendly. For those who know me well you know that I am very shy. I do have a difficult time making friends, as painful as this is for me to admit, and often find myself making mere acquaintances that I wish I could be better friends with but don't have the courage to somehow make our friendship more meaningful. To the friends that I do have who are close to me, you are such a blessing in my life. There's only a few of you who read my blog, and who know's if you will even read this, but whether you do or not I am telling you with my heart and whispering in your mind that I love you very, very much. The meaning of a friend is a great knowledge that only some have come to understand. I don't quite understand the meaning myself, but I hope that in due time I will. Perhaps I'll make a post on this later...
Anyways, these are my thoughts poured out to you in a bittersweet lament. Bittersweet in that I know what is expected of me (what God wants for me, what I should essentially want for myself) it's just hard to do it.
Goodbye to CCS and to FAA. I hope to meet many of you wonderful people again in my future. Hopefully our paths will cross, and I will be praying for you.
Jeremiah 29:11 I read this scripture so often that I have it memorized.
Love,
Becca <3
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