I have a problem...it is my curse

I have a problem...

Have people ever asked you the question "if you could change one thing about your personality what would you change?" People have asked me that, and my response is always a simple answer. Nothing complex, nothing to revealing. I rarely tell people my true feelings unless I am either a) heartbroken for whatever reason and my emotions will not contain themselves b) trust you with my thoughts and feelings. or c) just feel like opening myself up. Unfortunately it is usually the first scenario that comes into place. And that leads up to the prolem at hand.

I have always been shy. And I hate it. I will admit that I used to be so much more terribly shy than I am now, and will also admit with a humble spirit that I have improved dramatically. This may sound good...but honestly I want to improve more.

Being shy is a curse to me. I can stand basically everything else about me: I have become content with my physical features for I know that God formed and made me how he wants me to be. But I do not believe he gave me the "ability" to be shy. I do not believe this is a gift from God. Certain circumstances, well all circumstances I suppose, can all be turned to good for God and He can bless all situations no matter how bleak they may seem. And he has helped me a lot, as I have already stated, to improve. But I want to improve MORE. I want to be affable, a joy to talk to not just with my close friends. I am comfortable around certain people and can easily have fun with them, but when someone I do not know quite as well comes along it always seems that I clamp up. I do not like this. It is my curse.

But how can I improve? I am honestly asking this without having a definite answer. Some have told me to just open myself up and be talkative. But this is extrememly hard if you don't practice on a regular basis. I feel almost as if I have a mental disability to be able to talk to aquaintances who I know but do not feel much in common with. I am extremely bad at starting subjects...sometimes even if I know the person very well. My moods affect how I act and how sociable I am. If I am sad or mad or angry or upset I will be more quieter than I usually am. If I am happy or joyful or feeling any sort of beneveloence toward a person I will will talkative and sociable, but only usually with people I know on a personal level. I try to hide my feelings, but realize I do a terrible job since everyone always seems to know when I am in a not-so-good sort of mood. Or, at least, it seems that everybody always know's.

I am not very self-conscious. At least I do not really view myself as selfconscious. I suppose after reading this it will seem that I am. But I don't really care much what people think of me as long as it is not too horrible. And as long as they are not rumors that are not true...So I don't really think it is a matter of being selfconscious and worried about what other people think of me. It is just my lack of ability to speak and say my true thoughts and to actually be able to carry on a conversation that is halfway decent.

I honestly annoy myself so much with my curse.

Help is wanted and prayer is needed.

Love the hopefully not forever cursed,
Becca