My life should end right now. And I don't mean that in an sort of physco, suicidal stuffish. I just want the rapture to come, want to see my mommy again and then I want to run into Jesus' arms and stay there forever.
Everything that could go wrong has basically gone wrong.
Spareing all the details, if I were to sum up my life since...a while...I would say that it's been...Tough. To say the least. This morning in church I could not stop shaking, I was so fatigued. I have been oddly cold lately, and it's not just because the weather has been bi-polar (although I'm sure that's a factor, too) but because I have been so extremely stressed, overwhelmed, busy, and sleep-deprived. I do not know what is happening to me. I do not understand what God is doing in my life. He is constantly telling me to be patient, to trust him, to not worry, but it's really hard. I'm the type of person who likes to plan out my future and have it go according to plans.
I am a very lonely person as of now.
I have been talking to God a lot...just telling him everything, and it's really been helping. But God says to talk to others who are believers and share your trials and concerns. Sometimes they can give you a glimpse into your life that you couldn't see. I really need that. I don't know the last time I truley just talked to someone about my life, but I can honestly say it's been a long while. To long really. I'm the type of person who NEEDS to share myself and to vent to someone who can understand not only my situation, but also the people in my situation.
It's hard smile when inside you are quaking.
It is extremely difficult to act like nothing is going on, especially at home with my dad. I try to put a smile on my face, but I'm constantly worried if he will realize that something is wrong and start asking questions. I love my dad immensely and we have a relationship that not many parents and teens have, but I can't tell him really deep stuff inside my heart because he tells me what he "thinks" is right when in reality what he tells me is only what he "thinks" will protect me and my heart. But honestly I just need the truth. I'm not a child anymore...eventually I will be on my own. I wish he could realize that without trying to control my future. But he doesn't realize that's what he sometimes does...I'm the type of person who persieves things that people don't realize they are doing. Some people have that gift. Some don't.
Is anyone listening??
I feel so much like I'm talking to myself, like no one cares about what I write or about what's going on in my life. And why should they? With all honesty why should anyone care? I'm not trying to sound sorry for myself either, I'm just stating what I feel and what I think. Comments on this blog prove that it's not going to waste, but sometimes it's just like "why would anyone want to read my overly long posts? why would they care to comment." And indeed, no one rightly should. I rarely comment on peoples blogs, although I do read them, but it's just something that I do. So why should anyone else? And not trying to compare anyone with me either...I'm just the type of person who tends to judge people more than I should. And it's not good.
So what am I doing wrong?
There has to be something, right? Or maybe I'm doing things right and satan is just trying to get me down and discouraged. Hopefully that's the case, but if not then I obviously need to fix some things. But what? What am I supposed to fix about my life and/or myself? I'm the type of person who wants to know what it is and know for sure that I need to fix that. Cause sometimes we make up things in our heads about ourselves that aren't true, and when we try to fix them we just end up hurting ourselves.
Jesus, I need you...
I always need you. So often it seems like I only come to you when I need you. Please forgive me. I'm tired of trying on my own, tired of attempting to be perfect and pure and without fault. Cause I'm not. I blame people for so many mistakes when in reality I make the exact same, and more And I know that it is human folly...but there are times when I just want to slap myself again and again. But I know that I am merely human. It's amazing that you love me. Sometimes I feel that nobody cares...but that is just petty nonsense that satan likes to put into my brain. But sometimes....sometimes I believe it. And I need to stop. I'm the type of person who gets worried easily over little things; making up scenarios inside my mind about myself and/or situations that aren't even true.
If you read this then I am sorry to put you through it all. I know I sound like someone who is just feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes you just have to get it out. I try to often to hold in all of my feelings, but when I do I always end up exploding in one form or another. I rather explode on a blog then explode in person. It's an easier mess to clean up.
--Becca
I care.
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