This Is What I Want

So 6 months ago (and however many days) when I turned 15 I made a commitment. Actually a few commitments. But my main ones were, 1) to be better and kinder and nicer to my friends. and 2) To grow in my relationship with God. While I hope I am doing good on the first one, I can't really possibly be the judge of that without having a biast opinion. So I won't judge myself...but on the second one I will. I don't know if I'm doing a very good job...

I have this longing. This deep, inner longing to be something more than I am. To improve myself mentally and spiritually. I want to be like the disciples, on fire for the Lord. A zealot if you will. I want to feel his presence...which I do of course in my life. But I mean physically feel. Sometimes I get these feelings of amazing joy that overwhelms my conscience and overflows me with gratitude, humbleness, awe, and lots of other big fancy words that I couldn't possibly think of to describe. Sometimes it'll last for a while...sometimes only a few seconds. But I want it to last. Last long and last hard and stay with me forever.

I want to see Jesus. I want to see and feel his presence. I want Him to carry me through everything. And I know he does...I know. I know...but I want to feel it.
It's like the story: "Footprints in the Sand". I know he is there...I might not always see him or feel him, but in my heart I know.

But the problem is trusting him. Trusting Him through everything no matter what. Having faith like a child, faith as strong as a mustard seed, faith that can move mountains. I want to soar on wings like eagles and I want him to be the eagle who carries me. I want to not only know of His presence beside me but to actually FEEL it too. I want it all. I want everything. Lord, I want You!

And I have Him. I just want to feel him as well...His touch in the tree's, His breath in the wind...I might not be able to see it...but I know that it is there.
I just have to keep reminding myself that. Over and over and over and over and to never forget that He is always here beside me. This second. This minute. He's in this room. Holding me. Caressing me and telling me that everything will be okay. He loves me. And I love him.

I just have to keep HIM always, constantly on my heart.

This is what I want....

--Becca =) <3